DEEP THOUGHTS?

   Prices go up, hurricanes blow by, jerks run for office, and time eats away at everything. Through all of this, the things we cannot control loom overhead. They are never larger than life, but always on the verge of pushing our dreams out of the way. Life can and may well pulverize you no matter what you do to defend yourself. The brutality of existence is never forgiving. The caress of dreams held deep within is the best defense against the onslaught of life. We can be beaten down, trodden underfoot, and kicked over the edge into the abyss, but even the most microscopic spark of a dream can never be extinguished. One tiny spark can smolder for more than a lifetime. In the perfect moment, it meets the fuel it's needed all along. The ignition can be subtle, or extreme. That burning is undeniable proof that dreams never really die. So, dream if you wish. Or, ignore your dreams. The choice is yours. Either way there will always be a small, easily unnoticed spark, there at the center of your soul, at the center of your mind, and at the center of your heart. Just Push Back The Clouds.

   Young angst, and rebellion, people are always taken aback by it. Where does it come from? Who cares? When we were young we had plenty of it to spare. Those emotions and actions, reactions and convictions, grew. They grew strongly with all of the new wisdoms that we learned about the world and life. Things we wanted from the future always seemed to evaporate from our grasp just before we reached them. That happened more and more as we grew older. From our vantage point we saw grown-ups appearing to have it easy. When reality set in and we saw the truth for what it was, we were emboldened to disrespect anything that presented itself as “established”. Our resentments multiplied and our attitudes evolved into our “established” adult personalities.

   In retrospect we’ve learned to look back across the years with an understanding of why we are who we are. Regrets and satisfactions are things we’ve had to learn the hard way. Few of us can easily embrace them equally, but all of us know them well for what they are. They are the wisdom we’ve gained. Our parents tried to tell us many things. We let them in one ear and out the other all too often. Slowly, their advice dawned on us and settled into the memes of our minds. Mom and Dad (for those of us lucky enough to have both) were right. We still did a lot of things they told us not to and many of us paid for our mistakes with our lives, freedom, or our prides. Maturing is a bittersweet endeavor. The taste never improves unless all your spoons are made of gold.

   At the time, wasting time never crossed our synapses. We watched the world proceed and did our best to run circles around it. Each circuit we completed was a badge of honor we wore with high platitude. Each badge was a fresh link in the armor we body checked one another with. We jostled feverishly to develop and maintain the pecking order of our micro-society. The sands blasted their way through our hourglass and desolation amongst the grains was the only future we could see. Our shielding tarnished away, transmogrifying into our adult facades. We now hold tightly our last fistful of sand, yet we know the grains still flit away faster than ever before. The less we have, the faster we lose it.

   The future looms nearer and nearer. The closer it gets the more at ease we become with our mortality. Though few and far between, we take every opportunity to spit-shine our shielding to a blinding shine. With each brush of polish the tarnish returns even quicker than before. We assure ourselves that the approaching end will be well met. We will polish our facades one final time and raise our eyes to scan the distance with furrowed brow. Our toes will grip the edge and we will smile reverently as we leap into the final arc of the final circuit. We will know that we lived the best lives we could with what we were given to live them with. Our “re-entry” into the great unknown will conclude with the ablation of our armor as our souls bare to the universe and all its’ mystery. Will we peer into the hearts of stars? Will we walk on black holes, neutron stars, or other worlds? Will we find the edge of the very fabric of our universe? We’ve already asked ourselves all these questions, and many, many more. We know those who never made it through this many years already have all those answers. We are also content to believe they have many, many more. In the end it’s obvious that’s all we ever really wanted. We just really wanted answers. We had to find our own and were too stubborn listen to those who had gone before us into adulthood.

   We gave death a run for the money. Some of us lost early on. The triumph for us lies in the years we spent frolicking on the bow-wave of death. Like dolphins at play we threaded our way with intricacy. We formed our little pods and re-formed them over and over again, laughing at death as he struggled to run us down. That must be why death can be so painful. It’s his revenge for our disrespect of him. In old age we accept the pain, if death comes that way. It’s the least we can do. Or we ask ourselves what on earth we could have done to deserve to die painlessly. The morphine that might be administered does more for our partners and prodigy than respite for our battered bodies. We breathe one last breath. Our hearts make one final beat. Our thought cascades inward furiously like the collapse of a star forming a black hole. Nothing escapes but life, pun intended. Now we are out of the way for those after us to forge their armor, run their circuits, and discover much the same wisdoms as we did. They will know us by the trails we left. Graffiti carved into trees and park benches, and painted under bridges. Ropes tied high in trees over swimming holes, and urban legends bearing our names. We live forever in their eyes, and now it is their turn to become immortal.   

   Finito:10/29/2008 JOSE DIAZ (Pe’pe’)